Kerouac, I Think I'd like to Believe
(Thoughts and notes during 242 Choruses)
"This tree just told me
Is the other side
Of the other part
Of your mind
That you ignore
Because you want to"
-Kerouac, 156th Chorus
I'm running out of places to stash
These discarded crippling hearts.
Kerouac, I think, I'd like to believe
That we are all reborn,
Over and over;
We are all scholars,
Responsible for teaching our souls.
And we’re all Buddha and Christ
To be aspiring saints
Lost in Limbo.
Death's equal is the womb—
I think that's what you tried to tell me,
And that soft souls know no equal.
“What’s been buried inside me
The substance of my own father’s
Derived from time working
And clay bones.”
-Kerouac, 204th Chorus
I won't be left with
The crickets forever,
But Their soulless song is soothing;
Teach me to see like you do
Into the valley heart of shades
Rounded by a black rainbow
By the moon that never sets.
That I may see passed the Jewel of Fate,
Emerge from boundaries—you and I.
Learn to not suffer the wicked;
But also tell it apart from the innocent.
Heaven, I have another side—
What's wrong with that?—
Don't send me 'way like the others.
Heaven we're all impatient,
What are you hiding?
"I'm an idealist
who has outgrown
I have nothing to do
the rest of my life
but do it
and the rest of my life
to do it"
I bear the language of the romantics.
I have a full heart and empty pockets.
I can appear awesome as a phantom.
I believe there are colors I have not seen.
I’ve spent eleven lives
Trying to perfect the spontaneous sonnet.
I’ve Seen my silver soul; a speck on the mirror.
“Being in selfless one-ness
With the such-ness
That is Tathagatahood,
So is everybody else
Lost with you
In that bright Sea
In a crystal-nothing jar
Nirvana sits empty.
Wait, I have my own ballad;
It’s in my pocket,
It’s a telephone number,
It’s a name,
It’s an answer—
Wait, my Nirvana,
Why is patience a life-long lesson?
I’m done waiting for mine.
No, there’s nothing spontaneous
‘bout a sunset.
The ecstasy of nothing
Abiding, pleasing, pleasuring,
Feeling, grieving, having
Pure light is always seen
Even in the no____thing of smoldering
Even now in the Divine Secular Nothing,
Ultra Ecstatic Reality.
A secular God has only genitals.
"Therefore", she said, "Goddess is a redundancy."
"So the children rush out, saved,
And he gives them
the incomparable single Greatcart
Of the white Bullock, all snow"
The dance of the little boy’s anger
Mired down in the recess of
Frogs, flowers, Scholars
An age, and fifty thousand breaths
Still a washed out vision
Ambient surreal emotion
And a small diamond is made
To be a third eye’s prism.
Me and a half-dollar spider watch
a caterpillar dance slowly on a twig
“Wow, I thought reading that,
When I start falling
In that inhuman pit
Of dizzy death
I’ll know (if
Smart enough t’remember)
That all the black
Tunnels of hate
Or love I’m falling
Have all my choices been made
Before I even know them?
Have I written this already—hundreds of times before?
Once drunk, once high, once sober,
Once in ecstasy, once alive, once
Frozen stiff, once in anguish,
Once after the Rapture, once in
Fear of hell, once in unending
Anticipation of heaven and light,
Once in pursuit of Perfect Gain
And still now while pouring over
The Snake of Eternity.
“Seeing that all’s illusion
You lose your mind
And heal yourself well
(AND WHAT’S BEEN HEALED?)”
The Saints say:
The universe began in a garden
All speech was meaningless before being named
Everything was perfect and sane
Blessed are those without a tongue
For they have never disturbed the hymen of Universe.)
Without morals none were judged
Haloed cherub beings robed only in serenity
Governed the careless creatures
Blessed are those without reason
For all others shall inherit their sins)
“It is not moot to question how a dream
When you've proven the universal redundancies.
When moved by faith to:
Confirm all rhetorical doubt,
Put to sleep a thousand dragons,
Silence the sirens in the sky,
And strangle all lonesome thoughts.
Wont you lie down with me,
have a drink, retire
split my side once more.
Patrick Conners Jr.