Sunday, October 23, 2011

Kerouac, I Think I'd like to Believe

Kerouac, I Think I'd like to Believe
(Thoughts and notes during 242 Choruses)
"This tree just told me
            See eternity
            Is the other side
            Of the other part
            Of your mind
            That you ignore
            Because you want to"
-Kerouac, 156th Chorus

I'm running out of places to stash
These discarded crippling hearts.
Kerouac, I think, I'd like to believe
That we are all reborn,
            Over and over;
We are all scholars,
            Responsible for teaching our souls.
And we’re all Buddha and Christ
            To be aspiring saints
Lost in Limbo.
Death's equal is the womb—
            I think that's what you tried to tell me,
And that soft souls know no equal.

 What’s been buried inside me
            for sure?
The substance of my own father’s
            empty light
Derived from time working
            on dirt
And clay bones.”
-Kerouac, 204th Chorus

I won't be left with
The crickets forever,
But Their soulless song is soothing;
Teach me to see like you do
Into the valley heart of shades
Rounded by a black rainbow
By the moon that never sets.
That I may see passed the Jewel of Fate,
Emerge from boundaries—you and I.
Learn to not suffer the wicked;
But also tell it apart from the innocent.

Heaven, I have another side—
What's wrong with that?—
Don't send me 'way like the others.
Heaven we're all impatient,
What are you hiding?

"I'm an idealist
            who has outgrown
            my idealism
I have nothing to do
  the rest of my life
            but do it
            and the rest of my life
            to do it"
-33rd Chorus

I bear the language of the romantics.
I have a full heart and empty pockets.
I can appear awesome as a phantom.
I believe there are colors I have not seen.
I’ve spent eleven lives
            Trying to perfect the spontaneous sonnet.
I’ve Seen my silver soul; a speck on the mirror.

Being in selfless one-ness
With the such-ness
That is Tathagatahood,
So is everybody else
Lost with you
In that bright Sea
Of non-personality.
            -194th Chorus

In a crystal-nothing jar
            Nirvana sits empty.
Wait, I have my own ballad;
It’s in my pocket,
            It’s a telephone number,
   It’s a name,
It’s an answer—
Wait, my Nirvana,
Why is patience a life-long lesson?
            I’m done waiting for mine.
No, there’s nothing spontaneous
            ‘bout a sunset.

The ecstasy of nothing
Abiding, pleasing, pleasuring,
            Feeling, grieving, having
Pure light is always seen
            Even in the no____thing of smoldering
Even now in the Divine Secular Nothing,
            Ultra Ecstatic Reality.
                        (a pause)
A secular God has only genitals.
"Therefore", she said, "Goddess is a redundancy."

"So the children rush out, saved,
            And he gives them
            the incomparable single Greatcart
            Of the white Bullock, all snow"
-126th Chorus

The dance of the little boy’s anger
            So unforgivable
Mired down in the recess of
            Frogs, flowers, Scholars
An age, and fifty thousand breaths
Still a washed out vision
            Ambient surreal emotion
And a small diamond is made
            To be a third eye’s prism.
Me and a half-dollar spider watch
            a caterpillar dance slowly on a twig

Wow, I thought reading that,
            When I start falling
            In that inhuman pit
            Of dizzy death
            I’ll know (if
            Smart enough t’remember)
            That all the black
            Tunnels of hate
            Or love I’m falling
            Through, are
                   Really radiant
            Right eternities
            For me
-184th Chorus

Have all my choices been made
            Before I even know them?
Have I written this already—hundreds of times before?
            Once drunk, once high, once sober,
            Once in ecstasy, once alive, once
            Frozen stiff, once in anguish,
            Once after the Rapture, once in
            Fear of hell, once in unending
            Anticipation of heaven and light,
            Once in pursuit of Perfect Gain
And still now while pouring over
The Snake of Eternity.

Seeing that all’s illusion
You lose your mind
In meditation
And heal yourself well
            (AND WHAT’S BEEN HEALED?)
                        -203rd Chorus

The Saints say:
            The universe began in a garden
            All speech was meaningless before being named
            Everything was perfect and sane
(I think
            Blessed are those without a tongue
For they have never disturbed the hymen of Universe.)
Say They:
            Without morals none were judged
            Haloed cherub beings robed only in serenity
            Governed the careless creatures
(I think
            Blessed are those without reason
            For all others shall inherit their sins)

It is not moot to question how a dream
                                    -216th-B Chorus

When you've proven the universal redundancies.
When moved by faith to:
            Confirm all rhetorical doubt,
            Put to sleep a thousand dragons,
            Silence the sirens in the sky,
            And strangle all lonesome thoughts.
Wont you lie down with me,
have a drink, retire
split my side once more.

Patrick Conners Jr.

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